When Can My Children Decide Where They Live?

If you ask any family lawyer, they will say one of the most common questions they get in a parenting matter is “when can my children decide who they will live with?”. We also often hear “my child is 12, so that means they get to choose who they live with, right?”. 

The idea that there is a “magic age” when children care old enough to decide whether they will live with one parent or the other is a common misconception. Parties commonly believe that their child will turn 12, and be old enough to assert who they want to live with. The reality is that a Court has the authority to determine who a child will live with, and how much time they will spend with each parent until that child is 18 years old. 

Children are all different, and develop at different rates. A 9 year old may be able to clearly express their wants and their very carefully thought few reasons for those wants, whereas a 14 year old may express they want to live with Mom because Mom bought them a bike last week. These developmental differences makes it difficult for the law to impose one rule that applies to all children. 

So what can be done when a child expresses a clear desire to live with one parent? The Court may order that a lawyer be appointed for that child, or may order that a mental health professional meet with the family and the child and prepare a report for the Court’s consideration. 

In the Collaborative Process, a Family Specialist can meet with the entire family and assist the parents with understanding the needs of their children, and the needs of their family as the family goes through the separation process. The Family Specialist can assist with providing information on the child’s wants and needs to help guide the parents through the decision of who the child should live with, and how much time the child should spend with each parent.